Counting My Blessing Despite the Loss

Everybody has a different way of dealing with a loss. Some people want to talk about it, some don't. At first I wasn't sure if the blog was the right forum to talk about this, but unless I'm more popular than I think I am, I'm pretty sure it's mostly just my friends and family who read this and I feel like this is an experience I'd like to share with those I love.

A week ago today (I'm having a hard time believing it's only been a week) I went in for a 10 week pregnancy check up. Christian surprised me the night before by letting me know that he was going to come to the appointment with me. I was really excited to have him there. The kids were excited because I promised them I would bring them a picture of the baby. After a fun morning at the Botanic Gardens, I dropped of the kids with my friend Mindy and headed over to meet Christian at the doctor's office. I was late, of course, but Christian had gotten there early and filled out all my paperwork so when I got there I basically got to head straight back. The appointment started out very relaxed, talking about past pregnancies, births, etc. Then it was time to find a heart beat. As they put the monitor up to by belly, I waited to hear the sound I had heard so many time with the other two pregnancies, but it didn't come. The midwife tried not to look concerned and went to get the ultrasound machine. I knew then it probably wasn't a good sign. It didn't look any better when on the ultrasound the baby was only measuring at 6 weeks. The midwife, still trying to remain optimistic, told me that I had probably miscalculated when I had gotten pregnant and told me to make an appointment in a week to see if the baby had grown. Fortunately, I was brave enough to ask her what would happen if that wasn't the case. She didn't answer my questions very well and sent us on our way to get my blood drawn. Waiting to get by blood drawn was probably the longest 10 minutes of my life. I wanted to talk to Christian about what had just happened, but I wanted to do it alone. I was starting to tear up, and when the lady who drew my blood told me 'congratulations on the pregnancy', I almost lost it.

As soon as the blood draw was done, Christian put his arm around me and walked me to my car. We sat there for a while and he held me while I cried. Then he said, "I'm going to follow you home and we'll go get the kids together." It was a long drive home. I called my mom, and she said some very comforting things. When we pulled in the driveway, Christian got out and hugged me again. We got back in my car and went to go the couple of blocks to my friend's house. We didn't get very far before we heard a really weird noise. Our tire was flat. Completely flat. We got back in the car, turned around, and Christian changed the tire to the spare in our drive way. By now the kids had spent most of the afternoon with sweet, wonderful Mindy. I had texted her to let her know what had happened and she greeted me at the door with a plate of homemade cookies and a big hug. She is a wonderful person. I loaded the kids into the car. James, who hadn't had a nap but had played very hard all day, lost it and started to scream. Kate looked at me and said, "Mom, where's the picture of the baby?" I decided it was time to bust open the plate of cookies and the four of us ate every single one on the way to the tire store.

While we were waiting for the tire to be fixed, we walked over to a nearby store and walked around. After it was fixed, we drove to Costco to pick up our ink that I had left there that morning to be refilled and Christian got some Costco hot dogs for us for dinner. I think I cried through every step of those outings.

As soon as we were done with dinner, Christian put the kids in the tub, got them ready for bed, and read them a bedtime story. He kissed them goodnight and then headed to the sink to do the dishes. As soon as he was done, he said, "Ok, what else needs to be cleaned?" and he cleaned up. Then he sat down with me on the couch and said, "Ok, now let's watch a show." He stayed right by my side cuddling me and letting me get boogers and mascara all over his shirt. Then he said, "Ok, let's go to bed." I don't think I could have made it through that day without him.

The next two days was also really rough. If you're a fan of Anne of Green Gables, you're probably familiar with the phrase, "The depths of despair". I don't think there is another phrase that could have better described how I felt. On Tuesday, I put the kids down for a nap and then I laid down on the couch and cried until they woke up. I felt like I might never be happy again.

Sweet, dear, wonderful Christian kept me going. He texted or call me just about every hour. He made me promise I would get out of the house. On Wednesday he said, "It's 9:00, are you getting ready for play group? It's 10:00, are you on your way to play group?" Then about noon he asked, "How was play group?" Every night he came home and would ask what I needed help with to get dinner done. Then after dinner he would give the kids a bath, put them to bed, do the dishes, and pick up. I can't tell you enough what a wonderful, wonderful man he is.

By Wednesday night I started to feel like I might not be in the depths of despair after all. I started to feel like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. My Aunt, who is an OB, gave be a call Wednesday night and talked me through what would probably happen next. She answered all of my questions with plenty of detail, listened to my concerns, and promised me I could call any time. I was so grateful for that phone call. I then called Emmy, my sister, and talked to her for a while. I was avoiding her up until that point because I was having a hard time with the fact that she is due with her 4th baby in August and I just didn't want to think about it. She lovingly told me that I could loath her if I wanted to, which made me love her all the more. I then called my friend Sydney who listened kindly, said many comforting things, and then made me laugh, which I really needed. I went to bed that night feeling loved.

Friday, after I put the kids down for a nap, I received a package on my porch from Emmy. It was a book I had pinned on Pinterest with an incredibly sweet note attached. A couple of hours later, my friend Debbie stopped by with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a big hug. I was really grateful for Emmy and Debbie and their timing because Friday the actual physical part of the miscarriage started, and it really helped to have those reminders of how much I'm loved.

Saturday I started to get a lot of cramps. Christian and I decided we needed to get out of the house so we went to the zoo. It was a good distraction.

Sunday the cramps kept getting worse and worse. By 7:00 PM I was in some pretty serious pain. I hear women talk about miscarriages all the time, but I had no idea how painful it was going to be. It kept getting worse and worse. Christian, the wonderful man that he is, of course put the kids to bed, did the dishes, cleaned up, and joined me downstairs in our room. He kept asking how he could help. He brought me water and Tylenol, books, and blankets. By about midnight I thought that it might be the end of me, but in the back of my head I kept thinking back to a phrase from a book I like by a friend of the family, Annette Haws. It says, "In the Book of Mormon it says 'and it came to pass', not 'and it came to stay'." It's kind of silly, but that's what got me through. I kept thinking, I've gotten through lots of other hard things, I can do this too. Around 2 in the morning, to use not so graphic terms, the miscarriage happened, and all the sudden the pain started to lessen. I felt a lot of relief.

This morning when I woke up I felt tired, but again relieved that most of the physical part is over. I started to think about all the ways I have been blessed during this hard time. Here are a few of the things I'm most grateful for.

More than anything I'm grateful for Christian. When he says, "I love you, I'd do anything for you," he really means that. I've seen it time and time again.

I'm grateful that this experience made my relationship with Christian stronger.

I'm grateful for the two amazing children I have. They kept me going through this because they kept me busy and distracted. They also made me smile.

I'm grateful for all the wonderful friends I have. I had several friends offer to make me dinner or take the kids. I really appreciate that. I also appreciate the hugs and kind words.

I'm really grateful for prayer. I found a lot of comfort through prayer.

I'm grateful for priesthood blessings.

I'm grateful for the timeline that this process took. If I would have gone in for an appointment at 8 weeks instead of 10, I would have had to go a lot longer waiting for the whole process to happen. I think that would have broken my heart. I'm also grateful that the physical stuff happened on a weekend when Christian could be there with me.

I'm grateful for family. I have a very good family and I married into a very good family.

I'm grateful for the atonement. I know for a fact that it doesn't just apply to sin, but it applies to pain as well.

I'm grateful for the show Arrested Development and the Harry Potter book because that's what I watched and read while I was trying to be distracted.

I'm grateful for being able to laugh even when it's hard.

I'm grateful for the fact that you don't have to pay extra from long distance phone calls.

I'm grateful for frosting and graham cracker sandwiches.

I'm grateful for the women who have dealt with this before me. I felt like I couldn't ask, "Why me?" because there have been so many women who are much more noble than I am who have had to go through much worse.

I'm grateful I have a baby I can hold. Almost every night I went into the kids room, picked up James, and rocked with him for a while. He spontaneously started saying this week, "I'll always be your baby, Mom, even when I'm big." He had no way of knowing what that meant to me.

I'm grateful, once again, that I married Christian. It definitely one of the best decisions I could have ever made!

Finally, I'm grateful that the hardest part is over. I know I'll still think about it. I know I'm still going to feel sad. But I'm glad that I don't have to relive this last week any time soon!